Welcome Kate Stiffler! Kate, a mother of five kids, has found yoga to be tremendously helpful in dealing with her OCD. After years of struggling and mostly keeping her diagnosis to herself, Kate is ready to share her story. I couldn’t be more pleased to help her spread the word of hope and recovery. Thank you for being here, Kate!
When were you diagnosed with OCD, and how long did you have symptoms before that diagnosis?
I was diagnosed with OCD in my 30s approximately 12 years after I started having recognizable symptoms of the disorder. Signs of OCD can be traced back to my early childhood where I do remember walking around saying to people “Everything is going to be OK.”
OCD is still misunderstood, and oftentimes people with OCD say they were surprised by their diagnosis because they thought it was all about excessive washing or checking, behaviors they never engaged in themselves. What made you think you might have OCD?
I realized I had OCD when the obsessions/intrusions kept recurring over and over again no matter how much I tried to ignore or outthink them. I remember sitting in my bed crying in my pillow because they just did not make sense yet I could not stop them from entering my mind. The doubts, the “what if’s” they just intruded on every aspect of my life. The earlier years of my OCD were marked with clear compulsions such as washing my hands until they bled and taking showers that lasted for at least an hour. Over the years, the compulsions shifted to more internal neutralizing of the thoughts and checking behaviors.
Once you knew what was actually going on, did you tell loved ones right away? How did you decide who to tell, and how to tell them?
I really kept my OCD to myself for most of my early adulthood. My college years and graduate school years were years that I really did not know what was going on. I simply thought the OCD was a character flaw of mine and that I really was the terrible person the OCD made myself out to be. These years were marked with great sadness, confusion and isolation. It was not until years later that I sought formal help for my OCD. I entered many various forms of therapy from outpatient to inpatient at McLean. To this day there are only a few people who really know what is going on with my disorder, primarily my husband along with all the therapists I have encountered along the way.
You own a yoga studio, and practicing yoga has been an important component in the recovery process. What is it about yoga that makes it so beneficial for our mental health in general, and OCD specifically?
Yoga saves lives. Yoga saved my life. I found yoga as a result of one of my earlier therapists recommending that I try it. I had no idea what yoga was and had never taken a class before. After researching my city for yoga studios, I landed in a Hot Yoga class. From the moment I stepped on the yoga mat my life changed. Yoga was a place I felt at peace. Yoga was a place I could go inside of myself. Yoga was a time I could reflect on my life and begin to declutter from useless garbage that kept me weighted down physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Yoga was a release for me. It allowed me to take time to myself to create space and just be. The daily practice of yoga allowed me evolve as a human being and begin to separate myself from my thoughts. As you know, with OCD this can be a huge help in the process of recovery. Yoga also taught me how to be more comfortable in the uncomfortable. It trained me to stay in situations and work through them rather than running away from them. These tools have been invaluable to me as a person living with OCD.
Just show up! This is what I tell everyone who says the same thing. Yoga is not about looking perfect or even touching your toes. Yoga is SO much more than that! The first thing I would say to someone like you is just meet yourself where you are right now. Talk to qualified instructors and let them guide you into the class that would work best for you. There are many different kinds of yoga. Make sure you are educated on the different styles of yoga and what they entail and then choose which one resonates with your goals. Everyone can do yoga! That is the beautiful thing about it. There is something for everyone!
What else has helped you deal with OCD? Have you tried anything you wouldn’t do again, or something you were surprised to find therapeutic?
I would say that connecting with others who have OCD has been most helpful for me. It wasn’t until fairly recently that I really started to understand that no one can do the work for you. It is up to you to be your own cheerleader and advocate. I have begun networking with other advocates in the OCD community to help spread awareness and share my story in hopes of helping others realize we are all in this together. Support and education are really important tools in getting the disorder under control. There is not really anything I wouldn’t do again. I have to say however that I do not like ERP. I found that it made my anxiety spike doing the exposures and I had a really hard time understanding the role of ERP. My brain could not understand for a really long time why I would want to do something that I am scared to death of. My brain wanted to run far away from the fears not towards them. I had a hard time separating the process with myself. In my mind, I felt like if I did the exposures it meant that I either wanted to really do the bad thing or I was the bad thing. I had a really hard time separating them. I wish I had been more educated on the ERP process from the get-go and taught that these things are very common misconceptions that others also experience. I think if I was told this early on, it would have saved me a lot of time that I spent trying to figure it out on my own over the course of many more years. I have found writing to be very therapeutic for my OCD recovery. Sharing my thoughts with others, recognizing that I am not alone has been very meaningful for me.
If you could offer just one piece of advice to others with OCD, what would it be?
You are going to be OK! Trust yourself. Love yourself. Be yourself. There is no one out there like you. Talk to other people who have OCD. You are not alone. OCD is manageable and you can live a very happy and successful life with OCD. There are going to be good days and not so good days. Don’t give up. Keep remembering its up to you what you want to do with your life. You can gain control over the OCD. Support and education go a very long way in recovery. Don’t be ashamed of yourself. Be proud of yourself and all your efforts. Reach out to others like me and Alison who are here to help support you and cheer you on when you feel you cannot do it for yourself. You are a gift to this world. Never forget that you matter!