We’re approaching one of my favorite times of year—the annual International OCD Conference! My guest today, former NHL goalie Corey Hirsch, will be there, not only speaking on a panel about his own experiences with OCD but being presented with the Illumination Award. (Remember the year it went to Maria Bamford and how I definitely didn’t make a fool of myself in front of her? Me neither.) Corey exploded onto the OCD advocacy scene earlier this year when The Players’ Tribune published his essay “Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark.” It’s beautiful! I kept thinking, “Yes! Me too.” That’s what advocacy can do, let others know they’re not alone and there’s hope. Welcome to our sometimes weird little tribe, Corey.
The International OCD Foundation just announced that you’re this year’s recipient of the Illumination Award, which you’ll accept next month at the conference in San Francisco. What was your reaction when you found out?
I actually started to cry when I found out about the award. To think back to the days where I couldn’t get out of my bed, to getting an award for helping others, it’s so emotionally overwhelming. I’m thankful and blessed to have had a platform to tell my story, as most do not. I am no different than anyone else fighting the stigma. There are many wonderful advocates and people working in the trenches saving lives. Humbled, appreciative, thankful, there aren’t enough words in the dictionary to describe it.
When I type “Corey Hirsch” into Google, one of the first autofills is “Psycho mask.” Tell us why you chose that helmet.
The Psycho house mask is in the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto now. Initially the painter and I collaborated on the Vancouver Canucks colors of the team. They were black, gold and some red, which reminded me of Halloween colors. So the idea was going to be a Halloween theme. Something scary. I can’t remember who suggested it, he or I, but the psycho house came from the Alfred Hitchcock movie Psycho. It was so fitting for how I was feeling inside my own brain that it couldn’t have been a more perfect suggestion. When I got it out of the box it was almost too perfect. The fire painted in the front was like when you have OCD with the frontal lobe being on fire; eerily, it was almost like the painter knew. The Psycho house was exactly how I felt in my brain, and that I could hide under it when I had it on.
“Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark” opens with a scene of you contemplating suicide. What can you tell someone who feels as alone and confused as you did at that time?
First off we need to let society know that talking about suicide does not create suicide. Talk about it and keep talking. Secondly we need to help a person understand that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and I am proof the problem is temporary. There is help. How it’s so important to reach out if you are feeling that way because when a person is in the middle of it, you can’t see anything else, you can’t see a future, and you need someone else’s eyes and knowledge to help you to find it. In simplest terms it’s like being lost in a forest, and you need a guide to help you out of the forest.
Speaking of that piece—God, I loved it. It was heartbreaking, intimate, and so unbelievably relatable. How did you decide you were ready to share your story in a public forum?
I always knew I wanted to share my story, and I finally felt safe to do so after having a long talk with Clint Malarchuk. He helped me immensely. I also met another person who had the same OCD as I did. His own mother had to resuscitate him after he overdosed. It was heartbreaking. I am very fortunate to not have substance abuse issues, and I didn’t realize there are others out there who are self-medicating almost killing themselves, feeling hopeless. It was time; I am in a good place in my life and I need to let people know they can get there as well. That hope is real.
My obsessions are so personal, I’ve found that telling even one person about them can be difficult. Who was the first person you told, and how did you go about it?
I think my mother was the person I told early on looking for answers, but she had no idea what it was either, or how to help. So eventually I went into hiding and survival mode. The obsessions are still personal and hard for me to talk about, I don’t get into the content of mine, but I do let people know the three categories of Pure O and that I’ve had all of them. I want to educate people on Pure O and I don’t want to miss anyone. So as hard as it is, I feel I have to talk about it.
OCD is hard for anyone, but I’ve never felt that I have to appear stronger than I am, that I shouldn’t show my emotions, that I shouldn’t cry. It must be different for men, particularly professional athletes. Did you feel pressure to remain silent about what you were going through? Have you gotten any flack for sharing your story now?
The locker room is a tough place to have OCD or any mental health issue. Not that guys don’t understand, but there are always 10 guys lined up to take your job. It’s ultra competitive. It’s also why guys hide physical injuries. Societally it’s so much better now, but men have historically been told not to show their emotions. Society over time has taught us that if you cry or show emotions you lose your man card. Thankfully we are in a better place. My story has been extremely well received. If you could see the love and outpouring of support I have gotten, you would never be afraid of sharing your personal mental health story. Society knows it’s a real problem; we all know someone that has been touched by a mental health problem.
What can friends, family, and society in general do to support individuals with mental illness?
Friends, family and society can help by listening, not judging, and helping encourage the person to see a trained professional. Telling someone how great their life is and they shouldn’t feel that way would only put them in a deeper hole. They already feel terrible enough. If they won’t get help, then it’s important for the healthy person to tell someone they trust or call a help line themselves to get some knowledge on how to handle it.
If you could share just one piece of advice with someone with OCD, what would it be?
That their brain is lying to them. I always thought why would my own brain lie to me? but it does out of fear. That if a person reaches out, gets help and does the therapy, you too can have an amazing successful life. That you will get better, and you are not weak. Some of the strongest, most amazing people I have met are in OCD recovery. I am not going away, and you are never alone.
Alison Dotson 