Because We Are Bad (Canbury Press, May 2016) is an apt title for this charming yet heartbreaking and gripping memoir: Author Lily Bailey thought that she had to be perfect to keep her family safe, and part of being perfect was performing rituals the “right” way every time and keeping a log of everything she’d done wrong and had to atone for later that day. It’s clear how time-consuming and distressing Bailey’s obsessions and compulsions were, and it’s a reminder that no one wants OCD. Who could?
Bailey guides us through years of her life, including her childhood when OCD symptoms first surfaced. Lots of kids have imaginary friends – they’re fun to play with when everyone else is busy, and they’re easy enough to boss around. But in Lily Bailey’s case, her imaginary companion is no friend: It’s OCD, and it’s the bossy one. While Bailey’s relationship with OCD is cleverly woven into the memoir, there were some confusing scenes. Take this passage, for example:
We make our way back to our room and check it’s safe for us to go to sleep. We open our drawers, feeling around the insides with our hands. We worry that there might be someone, or something, hiding inside. We check our wardrobe and under the bunk bed.
The “we” in the above scenario doesn’t refer to two people – Bailey’s talking about her herself and her “friend,” OCD. When I would sit down to read for a reasonably long stretch of time, this strategy worked well for me. Other times, I had to reread a couple times, especially if the scene involved other people, such as her younger sister or a school friend. If this bothers you, hang in there through the whole book. It’s worth it.
Although it didn’t take quite as long for Bailey to be diagnosed as so many of us, her road to recovery was still long and bumpy. She attached too strongly to her therapist and felt she had to please her by being perfect; she was admitted to a terrible psychiatric hospital where doctors changed her medication multiple times with no explanation and group activities were more valued than actual cognitive-behavioral therapy; and after her hospital stay she was often triggered by daily life. You’ll be right there with her through the peaks and valleys – and for a while there are mostly valleys – wanting the best for her.
Bailey’s life turned around when she started to open up about her symptoms to others, and not just family members and therapists. Being open about our disorder can be hard, but it can also be freeing, and Because We Are Bad illustrates this beautifully.